I have been asking myself this question more directly these days: what do I actually want from all this?
By “all this,” I mean japa, dhyana, reading spiritual books, going to temples, thinking about practice, stopping, starting again, and then feeling guilty about stopping, etc., etc…
What do I really want from it?
If I answer in the simplest possible way, I think I want peace with myself. I want some practice that gives me deep joy. I want to be happy and peaceful despite whatever is happening around me.
That is the clean, diplomatic answer.
But I do not think that is the full answer.
Earlier, I used to want powers. Siddhis - I used to read about it in books like “Autobiography of a Yogi”, or “Living with the Himalayan Masters”. Strange experiences. Something dramatic. Something that would make me feel that spiritual life was real and not just theory.
I feel that over time, the desire to gain powers has reduced considerably. Now, more than anything else, peace feels attractive. A quieter mind feels attractive. Simple happiness feels attractive. Simple … no complications.
But even that is not the whole truth :D
Because somewhere inside, I am still hoping for “moksha”. I have no idea what that means. But the word “moksha” is one of those words that sounds huge, ancient, and final - the ultimate destination. It pulls me more like a background desire that has stayed for years.
And along with that hope, there is also fear.
What if nothing happens?
Years and years spent chanting, reading, praying, stuggling, stopping and starting, and then a part of the mind quietly asks: what if this leads nowhere? What if I spend years doing this and nothing truly opens up? What if I remain the same person with the same mind, just with a few more japa malas and a few more books?
I do not have an answer to that question. I don’t know.
By the way, my practice has not magically solved everything … in full disclosure. It has not brought peace into my house or around me in the way I sometimes wish it would. I still wonder about that. If my practice is real and sincere, why does the outer environment remain so unchanged?
And maybe years from now, if this path gives me real peace, real bliss, and some understanding of who I am, I will be able to say it was worth it.
Until then, I suppose the work is simple, boring, and repetitive … sit, chant, concentrate, rinse, repeat.
Thank you!